Many scholars and experts focus on money issues, differences in child rearing, and time-strenuous career paths as the causes that end many relationships. While all of the above are true, what is often not accounted for is the X factor, love.

Love is probably the most powerful emotion a human being possesses, which can be positive or negative depending on how it is utilized and expressed. Many individuals are searching for love. Some thought they found their soul mate but for some reason could not get on the same page in the relationship handbook. Others feel they have found the individual they want to spend the rest of their life with but are still unfulfilled and do not know why. A few believe they have never found true love and others feel they are just too far away geographically to make the relationship work with their mate. I am pretty sure you fall within one of these categories.

Well, I argue I have found the solution. There is a breakdown in family and mate role expectations. Moreover, expectations are not adequately evaluated, communicated, understood, and thus not fulfilled. Expectations that are not met lead to divorce, dissolution, and other issues. In this article, I aim to inform you how maximize the X factor and express love by fulfilling mate expectations.

What happens after the euphoria of being in love? Many people think that once you are in love or love someone that is all that matters to have a happy, fulfilling relationship. Unfortunately this is not the case. Relationships are work and loving is work. It takes a conscious effort to stay happy and fulfilled in a relationship. I believe that many differences between partners in a relationship stem from misunderstood expectations. Money, child rearing differences, and work are not major problems if there is a clear understanding of the expectations concerning these important issues within the relationship.

The data from the Family, Work, and Health Study (Jackson 2004) which spans Black, White, and Mexican-American families reveals that regardless of race/ethnicity and traditional or liberal beliefs, adults fulfill family expectations of spouses and children through four essential components: evaluation, communication, understanding, and fulfillment. Generally, women have distinctly different role expectations for men than men seem to have for themselves and vice-versa. Men think fulfilling the husband and father role is mainly associated with being a provider. Conversely, women and children perceive the husband and father role to not only include the provider role but also the caregiver role, mainly relating to quality time. Hence, there seems to be a large disconnect between the role men think they are fulfilling and the role women expect them to fulfill. Relationship partners cannot even begin to spark a dialogue pertaining to relationship issues because their role expectations are distinctly different from each others. This occurs across racial/ethnic groups. Still, Blacks are least likely to get married and most likely to get divorced.

Families who are very traditional or very liberal seem to function most effectively and efficiently. These individuals seem to understand their role expectations and can fulfill them. However, most families do not function in this capacity and fall in the middle of the continuum on the traditional/liberal scale. Many husbands and wives vary on many levels pertaining to central issues, thus role expectations are not clearly evaluated, communicated, or understood.

Due to African-American women’s high labor force participation, role expectations within many African-American families are not clearly defined. Black men and Black women define expectations for husbands and wives differently. Families in which husbands and wives have higher levels of education and income than average seem to function more efficiently because these individuals have more job flexibility to fulfill family expectations. Although these families usually function well, many do not know how or why they do it.

Many individuals do not know where to start in order to establish a recurring dialogue with their partner concerning love, money, child rearing, religion, and other important issues, like unfulfilled love. So I had to check myself, how can someone studying family and relationships still be unfulfilled in a relationship? While I was doing all of this research something was still missing in my own relationship. The answer was simple, my partner and I had different expectations for each other in the relationship, or as Gary Chapman states, we were speaking different love languages. Although the answer is simple the solution is not.

My partner suggested that we read The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman. Reading this book completely changed my life and my relationship. Chapman establishes that there are five main love languages (words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, gifts, and acts of service). My primary love language is words of affirmation. My mate’s primary love language is physical touch.

Let me quickly dispel a few misconceptions. Many women think all men want is sex, hence men’s primary love language is physical touch. Surprisingly, physical touch does not have to include sex and many women’s primary or secondary love language is usually physical touch. Physical touch can entail hugging, kissing, stroking of the arm, holding hands, etc. Interestingly, it only takes a conscious effort to do these small things to change your relationship and fulfill your mate’s “love tank.” Comparatively, many men also think their primary love language is physical touch because they like sex. Many men also think that women’s primary love language is not physical touch because they do not like or enjoy sex as much as they do. This is a misconception; women like sex as well. However, just because one likes sex does not mean if you and your mate have an argument that jumping into bed will solve it. Despite widespread assertions, men function in the same manner.

Let me give you a concrete scenario. While my primary love language is words of affirmation, my secondary love languages are quality time and physical touch. Conversely, my mate’s primary love language is physical touch and her secondary love languages are quality time and gifts. While I am completing my doctoral degree in Indiana my partner recently finished nursing school in Memphis, TN and is currently working in Nashville until we get married. Naturally, this creates a problem for our love languages. What occurred is that my partner would send me gifts. While I am not one to turn down gifts and really appreciate her gratitude, I do not receive the love from gifts in the same manner she does. All I wanted to do was talk on the phone and see how her day went. Conversely, she feels love by receiving gifts.

Let me dispel another misconception. Just because your mate likes gifts does not mean she or he is a gold digger. It simply means this is how they receive love and if you are going to stay in a relationship with this person this is something you must realize, accept, and embrace. What I have figured out is that gifts can be all different shapes, sizes, and prices. It is your job to be creative. When I started reviewing the gifts I received from my mate, I quickly noticed that they were not all expensive but rather creative and unique. Gifts from my mate entailed things that only she would know that I liked and that is what made them special. The gifts allowed her to fill my “love tank” with words from certain gifts like cards or letters and the quality time she put into creating the gifts.

Comparatively, now that I know her primary and secondary love languages and how she receives love, I understand why she asks me to pay to get her hair done when we argue. Alternatively, she loves flowers, as do many women. Since I have a flower bush on the side of my house I pulled some of the flowers from the bush and took them to her. Although the flowers wilted on the flight, it was the thought that counts. Additionally, we do activities like watch a TV show at the same time or attend a movie in the same evening. While we are not physically together, we are spending quality time together and can express words of affirmation following these activities and long distance dates.

I am pretty sure your mind is churning pertaining to you and your mate’s love language. This may entail taking one day trips, walking with the family around the neighborhood, and/or acts of service such as doing activities in and outside of the house. Whatever activity you can devise can be applied to these love languages in order to express love to your mate. While the languages established by Chapman apply, individuals still must go through the expectation process. My partner and I had expectations of each other that were unfulfilled. This led to an empty “love tank” and us bickering over menial issues that developed into major problems. Now we know what is expected of each other. We can fulfill these expectations by first, evaluating our expectations on a personal level, two, by communicating these expectations to the other, and three, by ensuring the other understands these communicated expectations.

Expectations also must be re-evaluated constantly. Why you ask? Simple, because we change; throughout the life course individuals change expectations, desires, attitudes, and behaviors. It is your job to be aware of these personal changes and express them to your mate. If your mate does not know that your expectations of them have changed, how can they fulfill them? Many of these topics and others relating to family formation, family functioning, and family expectations will be in an upcoming book by Pamela Braboy Jackson and Rashawn Ray entitled, Family Stories: Finding Purpose and Meaning in Life.

There is no one concrete way for a relationship to function efficiently. It is a very personal decision for what works properly for a certain family. The most important components of relationships for fulfilling expectations are organized in a four point process: expectations must be defined and evaluated on a personal level, communicated, understood by the relationship partner, and thus fulfilled.

Relationships can work. Long distance can work. It simply takes a conscious effort on both ends to personally evaluate your expectations, communicate them to your mate in their love language so that they can understand your expectations, and thus, fulfill them.