How to Raise a Responsible Child
By. Joslyn Talley
As a single parent, people are ALWAYS asking me how I raised such a responsible child. Well, all children start out as babies right? So believe it or not, you can basically mold them into what you want them to be. In other words, children start off as a clean slate that you can socialize to be responsible. The important question to ask is not, what kind of child did I have? Rather ask yourself, what kind of parent do I want to be? Accordingly, you cannot leave a child’s life in his or her hands. I realized I played a MAJOR role in what kind of man he would become. I wanted him to be a responsible adult, citizen, husband, father, employee, church member, friend, and last but not least son.
Interestingly, when I tell people what it took for me to raise such a child, they do not seem to be as willing to do what it takes to get the same results. Because there was not a lot of room for complacency, it was not easy. Some of my strategies may have even seemed a little bit “out there.” I set high expectations for him by supplying reasonable avenues (RAs) for him to reach those expectations.
My responsibility as the parent was to be accountable. His expectations of me were high as well. I aimed to be consistent. I said what I meant and meant what I said. Word is Bond! This has been lost in most parent/child relationships. Mean what you and say what you mean. You send children mixed messages when you contradict yourself. If there is something that needs to be discussed, tell your child to go to their room and/or do their homework while you collect your thoughts and/or consult others on the issue. My method is to reward for compliance and punish for defiance.
Additionally, I intentionally established LIFE SKILLS while he was young. There were certain things (e.g. completing chores, understanding how money works, making responsible decisions) that he was responsible for very early in his life. Moreover, I had certain EXPECTATIONS of him very early on that in turn, required extra work on my part as a parent. Again, it’s more work for the parent to have a child who excels.
Surprisingly, it’s not always up to the child but up to the parent as to whether he or she excels. Growing up in my neighborhood, I observed certain parenting styles and strategies that I disapproved of. Thus, I decided that there were certain attitudes and behaviors that I was not going to tolerate. I call these non-compromising things (NCTs). NCTs include complacency, inconsistency, disrespect, dishonesty, and manipulation. In contrast, I instituted life skills including work ethic, consistency, respect, and honesty.
To institute NCTs, there were many aspects of my personal and professional life that I had to sacrifice. I was a single parent in my early 20s. While there were many things I wanted to do, I had an obligation to raise my son to be responsible and prepare him for life the best way possible. It should be noted that I had a lot of help. It definitely takes a village to raise a child. However, you have to be very selective of the help that you solicit. This is where effective mentoring comes in. Mentors must be positive, academically-oriented, visual, and accessible. Mentors include family, friends, Big Brothers & Big Sisters, coaches, teachers, and Pastors. And I solicited help from all of the above.
As my son was growing into a young man, I understood how important it was to give him access to positive men. I also purposely placed him around men that he could emulate including his grandfather, uncles, God father, and big brother from Big Brothers & Big Sisters. While I could teach him how to be a responsible and how he should treat women, I could not visually show him how to be a man. Thus, I actively solicited men I wanted him to emulate.
I instituted a respect factor (RF) by establishing a precedence that he should respect everyone especially family members. In turn, he did not want to disappoint them. One strategy I used regularly was exposing bad behavior. My son was not a Saint by any means. He tried and tested my gangsta regularly. Through NCTs and RF, he was not only held accountable by me but by others as well. By not hiding bad behavior, he heard how wrong his actions were from many people. Thus, he thought twice the next time he was about to do something that he had no business. Taken together, children are not too fond of the ridicule and disappointment they receive from family members. EXPOSE BAD BEHAVIOR! It works! Ask my son about the cupcake incident…
Based on the mentors I selected, I also supported other adults in charge. By not contradicting other adults, I established a precedence that adults (e.g. teachers, police, clergy, neighbors, family) are to be respected and given authority. This was important because my son does not like rules. However, when he respects someone he will listen. By instituting a RF for mentors, family members, and other influential adults, he listened to them and thus followed rules. Mission accomplished!
I also used my parent’s intuition (PI). Having PI allows you to discern when your child may make a bad life decision. This mostly stems from your own life experiences and the questionable and bad decisions you made in life. Do not let history repeat itself. You can change his or her life trajectory.
Furthermore, I regularly monitored his friend selection and the environments they hung out in. I asked who his or her parents were, what they did for a living, where they lived, etc. I wanted to know it all! And did I say you can choose their friends for them? Yes! Most definitely! Generally, the more involved in your child’s life you are, the more you will know. While I knew that some of his friends were involved in illegal activity, mainly selling drugs, I did not entirely stop him from socializing with them. Instead, I would normally let him hang out with who he wanted to for the most. But most of this socializing occurred at my house where I could monitor the attitudes and behaviors being transmitted.
Let me also note that just because a child is involved in criminal activity does not make them bad children. It could simply mean they have made decisions based on their lack of RAs and visual and accessible mentors and role models. All of us can think of something we have done in our lives that should have probably landed us in jail. Do not be too quick to judge. They are still children.
In sum, raising a responsible child takes hard work and dedication and assistance from family members, friends, mentors, and other influential people who are available to provide guidance and support. While there were many sleepless nights and days where my life primarily revolved around him, it is quite rewarding later in life. My son is a man now. He purchased his first home at the age of 24 and will have his PhD before the age of 30. I would say the sacrifices were worth it.
Be on the look out for upcoming MotherSon Advice Columns on topics including:
School is Starting: Are you a Prepared Parent?
What kind of extracurricular activities (EAs) will YOU AND YOUR CHILD be involved in?
When problems arise (and they will), Who you gonna call ?
How to be a Closer: Follow up and follow through (F/U & F/T)!
Reward for Compliance and Punish for Defiance
The Importance of Male Role Models for Boys
If you have questions, comments, or concerns for Joslyn or Rashawn, please contact them at jtalley@EngageDiversity.net; rray@EngageDiversity.net.
You can also place comments on the EngageChat blog about how to raise a responsible child.
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